Sorry teachers

Today I had some spare time and I went through my old blog posts. Back then when I posted them, I never thought I'll be ashamed of most of them. I've used swear words without knowing the meaning of most and have insulted my college 'gurus', especially Prabha ma'am. Look how times are changing. Back then it was fun, but now they hurt me. I mean, Prabha ma'am, though we made fun of her, was liked by our class. I guess I owe an apology to her and the other teachers  had trash talked about. I'm illiterate when it comes to frilly words. 


So here's a classic simple,
"I'm sorry my dear teachers. I know I owe you a lot but not those posts. I hope you could forgive me, the worst student in the world"

Aaron, my ex fiance

Okay, don't imagine stuff. I'll first announce this. I have never met anyone named Aaron, in real life. I am unaware of any possible celebrity with that name. Possibly, the only male character's name starting with A that I remember is, Andrew Paxton, Ryan Reynold's name in The Proposal. And I remember that name because I saw it for the 4th time just yesterday. Now to Aaron.

I love that name of course, because Aaron Stewart is the name I've given one of my male leads. This post is actually about a dream I had two nights ago. It was on the night of the Malaria Day celebrations I think, that I unconsiously wrote a poem after a really long time, a prayer to the Goddess. I was really happy about that fact and hoped my writing, my only best friend in this lonely world, won't desert me until I publish this one book. In fact, the desire to publish is the only reason, I'm writing whenever I could steal some alone time. We went home, talked and slept.

In my dream, I was at my aunt's place, remembering 'good old days'. For some reason, i was in a very bad phase of my life and I suddenly remembered my engagement with this guy called Aaron (the character i had created), who happened to be my aunt's sis-in-law's son. (There's no son, only a daughter Samantha, whom I had visited just the day before) Someone says in the background that I would have been better if I had married him not forgotten him. Well, it was so real, I was regretting that I forgot my true love, until i woke up. After I did, I laughed. You may think what was funny, but I was the one who saw it all. I had heard and read about writers living with their characrters, like Sujata used to write a lot about Ganesh and Vasant conversing with him. It felt stupid and also great to experience the same thing. I sometimes think like Anjana, sometimes wonder how I was going to make her fall in love, as I had never had a first-hand experience. Hell, i never even believed in 'love' till I started writing this story. Sometimes I wonder what was going on inside Viswanathan's head, about his love-hate relationship with his daughter Anjana. How do insensitively conservative dads react when their daughters bring home an American boyfriend? So many things in my mind. But i'm enjoying writing this story that is moving as fast as the laziest turtle can. Aaron? My ex fiance? Seriously! Hahahahaha

Namesakes

I had just exited from the blog of someone named Sahithya. Actually it kind of felt weird. Her description of herself, except of being 'Friends' fan, was exactly yours truly. If this were some stupid movie, I'd've been convinced by now that I have multiple personality disorder. Her poems and most of her posts on that page were almost me. Now I'm thinking of namesakes.

Wait. I'll have to start from the beginning.

Most you who were in Ajie ma'am's first class might remember how and why my mum gave me this name. Until I came to Chennai, I had never met someone with the same name. In fact for sometime, I was the only Sahithya in that gossipy little town. So I was rather arrogant that I was different from all the others; there were many rajalakshmis, naveenas, sripriyas, gomathis but never another Sahithya. When I was in my 7th std, I was first introduced to the internet by my uncle (now my husband). When he tried to get me an email ID on reddiff, the ID I wanted was not available. That was a big shock. Mama said that there would be so many Sahithyas around the world and I can't expect to be the only Sahithya. That day, I started hating whoever had my name, right from my neighbour's niece who was named after me to all the random Sahithya's I happened to see being listed when my cousin searched for my profile in FB. I was filled so much with hatred that I wanted to find out the organisers of Miss Chennai pageant and send them hate mails, day in and day out, because that year's Miss Chennai was also a Sahithya. Am I still like that? In a way, yes. But today was the first time in my 22 years in this planet that I smiled all the time, as I read the posts of a namesake. Perhaps, its because, she's a poet too and a book lover, a travel freak, a calvin maniac and a foodie; all that I am. Wow, this feels, weird as I first said.

Thirunangaigal

முதன்முதலில் நான் திருநங்கைகள் பற்றி தெரிந்து கொண்டது, பெண்கள் போல் வேடமிட்ட வெட்கம்கெட்ட ஆண்கள் என்பது தான். ஒம்போது என்றும் அலி என்றும் என்னை விட இளையா  பிள்ளைகள் சொன்ன பொது ஏதோ புது விஷயம் என்று தான் அவ்வார்த்தைகளைக் 

கற்றுக்கொண்டேன். 

என் அம்மாவின் வளர்ப்பில் இப்படிப்பட்ட பேச்சுக்கள் கற்பது குறைவு. உலகம் தெரிய வேண்டும் என விகடனும், கல்கியும் கொடுத்து வளர்த்தாள் அம்மா.

அப்பொழுது தொடங்கி இன்று வரை போய்க் கொண்டிருக்கும் என் கற்றலில் நான் அறிந்ததை சிந்தித்து பார்த்தால், 

இந்த மனித சமுதாயமும், சமத்துவச் சிந்தனையும், ஜனநாயகமும் வெறும் பிதற்றல் என்று தோன்றுகிறது. என்னச் சிந்தனையாலோ, ஆதி ஷக்தி பிறப்பில் மூன்றாவது சாதியையும் படைத்தது. அனால், 

அதற்குள் மனித இனம் பொறுமை இன்றி செல்லத் துவங்கிவிட்டது. 

ஆயிரமாயிரம் ஆண்டுகள் கடந்து, ஒரு நாள் நின்று பார்த்தால், நம்முடன் பிறந்த 

மூன்றாவது பிறப்பு  ஒடிந்த கால்களோடும், கேட்கப்படாத சொற்களோடும் நமக்கினையாக வர துடித்துக் கொண்டிருக்கிறது. பூவினம், புழுவினம், தொடங்கி, நம் ஒன்று விட்ட பாட்டனாரான திருவாளர்  குரங்கார் வரை மூன்றாவது பாலினத்தை பிரிதுபார்க்காமல் இருக்க, உயர் சிந்தனையில் திளைக்கும் நம்மிடம் மட்டும் ஏன் இந்த பாகுபாடு? பிறப்பில் ஒரு தவறும் இல்லையெனும் போது, தம்மை சமூகம் ஏற்க வானவில் ஊர்வலம் போகவேண்டிய கட்டாயம் ஏன் அவர்கட்கு? மனித நாகரிகம் வளரத்தொடங்கி ஈராயிரம் ஆண்டானப்  பின்னும், கூவாகத்தில் மட்டு களித்திருந்து, பிச்சை எடுத்தும், பாலியல் தொழில் செய்தும் பிழைக்கும் நிலை ஏன் அவர்களுக்கு? ஒரு வேளை, தனிமைக்கு அஞ்சி சமூகம் அமைத்த மனித மனம், சற்றே தாம் அறிந்த இயல்பினின்று பிறழ்ந்த குற்றத்திற்காக, அவர்களுக்கு கொடுக்கும் வக்கர தண்டனையோ இது?

ஆயிரம் சமத்துவம் பேசியென்ன? வக்கர மனதில் உள்ள பேதங்கள் போகும் வரை, சோஷலிசமும், சமத்துவமும் வெறும் பேத்தல் தானே?

Its my life

It has been a long time since I last accessed the Net freely. Now I don't have a computer or a mobile phone. Today I'm doing some thiruttuthanam. Life was going on normally, when I suddenly stopped and thought what life really is about. My life is like everyone else's. School, College, marriage and anytime children. After that, it would parenthood, more responsibility, old age and death. But something seems missing amongst all this. I'm not able to realise what it is. I have a feeling that i have lost something that's more important than anything else. What is it? I could not discuss it to anyone, not even my family. I find myself very far away from them, though this is my only home. And prison. I feel like I'm caught in a terrible dream from which I'm afraid to wake up though I can. Of course, I envy those who have taken responsibility for their own life sooner. I guess, no matter what, trusting my family has become impossible, though I know noone other than they. Why am I typing something that should be in my journal? I don't know. Maybe, I have gone mad?

9.12.2010 O.S.Arun Kutcheri

So far, in this year’s Kunnakudi music festival we have attended only one kutcheri, so far. The festival was inaugurated on 7.12.2010 and on the 8th, Rajesh Vaidhya’s kutcheri was on prime time. But as we had to unconsciously follow the routine, we could only go on the 9th. But we got a bonus! We got to listen to O.S.Arun, the man who works magic with music!







The program was scheduled for 7.p.m. But when we reached exactly at 7 after being caught in the traffic and talking to the organizer’s daughter and wife and fumbling with the elevator, Serugudi sisters Rama and Geetha were in the end of their very brilliant performance. The thani avarthanams of the accompanists was excellent.






O.S.Arun sat finally at 7.30. (Does he have back pain? Why does he sit on that high cushion?) He was sweating profusely. He was accompanied by Madurai Balasubramanium on the violin (awesome performer), Venkatasubramanium on the mridangam and Adambakkam Shankar on ghatam. Arun had a stack of notebooks at his side apart from the folders that lay open in front of him. To be honest, I used to think that singers should be able to perform without help. But now, I do accept it’s more convenient for them to have their songs in front. They’re doing more kutcheris these days and shuttling from place to place in a very short time. Infact, Arun was in Thumkur that noon when he called up the organizers saying that he didn’t know how he was going to make it by 7.






He started the concert vibrantly with Vatapi ganapathim. Balasubramanium gave an equally vibrant performance with his violin. When Kunnakudi V.Srinivasan, the organizer mentioned his name after Rama and Geetha left the dais, there was a loud applause from a relatively small crowd. Arun showed once again he deserved that and a lot more. The evening got better with his second song, Meru samana. I was like, “wow”. He started the third one with a violin-vocal duet which was way better than anything I’ve ever heard, which was not much. It was Theruvil Varano. His expressions too were good and strangely, he reminded me of Sanjay Subramanium.






The best piece though, was Thunai purindarul which he started with an extraordinary piece of kalapanaswaram and a violin solo. Well the thani was good overall but I loved the violin and this particular piece of swaras that went ma dha, ma ni dha, sad ha ni, ni dha ni made us laugh. Get it? Madha manidha! Sadha ni nidhani. (Mad man be calm always)






Only one rasika sent a request, so Arun sang Swagatham krsna for them. I’ve heard that song by Unni Krishnan and Nithashree Mahadevan and Aruna Sairam, but Arun’s was a little different, nevertheless, good. He concluded with Beemaka maruthi. I went home in a better mood but unfortunately for me we could not attend the other kutcheris. I do hope to catch some at other sabhas this season and I might post my descriptions here.

Random thoughts triggered by leaks of govt secrets recently

Today i was simply browsing around the web for WikiLeaks sites. Well, its true its none of my business. I'm in no way connected to any of the controversies and the people around them. I'm just a stupid, jobless, half crazy, good for nothing house wife who has been addicted to the internet for a couple of years now. But I do believe in democracy and the betterment of humanity. Why else would i be bothered of what our politicians do to our government and what our governments do to us? Whatever happens to people in far off places, like Julian Assange and the RTI activists who are being murdered, that try to bring out truth might not affect me directly but they have a major influence on the way I think and try to plan for my future. I am who I am because of what I think, right?

I even wonder why they risk everything to bring out the truth when no one cares. Not even the common man they're trying to help. Look what happened to Tehelka for exposing high level corruption in the Defence ministry. No one cared. And the recent Radia Radio and cablegate issues? We're just gossiping about them, just like we gossiped about Sneha-Srikanth, Shilpa Shetty-Richard Gere, Sourav Ganguly-nagma.

From what I've seen here in the state or the nation in general, people seem to not think, not because they can't. they don't want to. The corruption of this DMK government can't be that invisible and I know we are not that blind. But how come some people still seem to believe the old man is a selfless saviour of the Tamils? How can they be so dumb to believe Karunanidhi when he speaks of his love for the Srilankan Tamils? Everyone seems to enjoy the exclusive, first on tv, breaking news culture of unethical journalism just for the sensationalist propaganda. No one's really interested in the issues. Culprits are let off the hook openly and no one asks. They - corporates, officers, politicians, even defence personnael - continue to be corrupt with the whole world watching but no one questions.

Maybe that's how human civilization has been working since the dawn of, well, civilisation. People stopped questioning and sticking to a priciple and standing by it. Had they been any different, there might not have been mass killings of free thinking women, wars and deaths in the name of religion, and so many other conflicts that were covered up which led to many myths and legends in this age.

Isn't it hypocrisy to talk of democracy and freedom of speech and human rights and other such stuff when people who claim to endorse them, fail to protect them and end up murdering the same. Especially, the West. They push their chest up every time thay say 'western civilisation' but their history has the most number of 'silencings', the latest being Julian Assange's silencing. I was always drawn to the so called conspiracy theories about the Holy Grail, UFO sightings, Atharvana veda that endorses Tantrika, Freemasonry and so much more. I thought that was because of the amount of history, conspiracy and art and philosophy these stories contain. That belief of mine was strenghtened by Dan Brown's books. Now, I think I knid of see the truth of how the human civilisation actually works. We are still animals that blindly follow the people in command. No, not blindly but brainlessly. Because that's easier to do than join the other side, where the biggest pillars of modern human civilisation, reveal themselves to be nothing more than cat poop.

I'm one of these ignorant people I hate. i can't do anything, not even to atleast satisfy my yearning to do something great even if it goes invisible. I don't have the brains or the talent. But I guess I'll be silently suffering everytime I see such ignorant idiocy and that's everyday, and do nothing to change it.

And I've got to say this too.
My dear family, its not true that ours is the best culture with the best ways to live. People of every other culture believe theirs is best too. And that doesn't mean anything, honestly. And to answer that frequent question of the one person among you, yes, sometimes I do wish I was never born, but at other times, I also believe I'm a tiny bit better than you in a few no so important things.